i will ask my God to take care of you.
my heart is heavy tonight, it has been heavy for some days.
i’ve thought through various inadequacies, doubted myself in capacities as they came to mind or were brought to me. i’ve faced my own halting words that brought to attention only my confusion, and groped stumblingly for a defence that would not, did not come.
i bethink myself, in all my failures, limitations and flaws: i am weak, in so many senses. i stammer when called to give account for the reason i work. i cannot make my brother love me.
time and distance, time and distance. when hope takes residence i feel ready for everything and seem to already see the fruition of labours. when my steps are heavier, i still remember hope, i still keep the faith, but i hold despair in my heart too. what if you fail, or i do, and what we have proves false in the end?
i shall leave lettered thoughts for pictures in my head. what difference is it to me whether i think upon white space or upon my bed, when no resolution is in sight. the lips that laugh and the eyes that crinkle in the day are shadows compared to the affairs of the head and the heart in the nights that have come, even if day is said to be where men wake. i could be madder at night alternating my immersions between kipling’s india and my own despairing reflections, but. i would be with them.
today, i got out of bed and fell onto the sofa. soon after, a cup of tea was placed before me. earl gray, gentle and comforting. if it’s too milky, separate it from the water, i was told at the gate. good, you’re still thinking.
last night, i sat on the edge of the sky and looked at ships, counted fish. the plane from india betrayed me. at the end of the bridge, it felt like goodbye, and that was sad. but i was made to feel better, so it was’t so bad. did you know, that black polka dots with nude don’t go?
i’ve been writing a new story these days, i think. but it’s such a very brand new story, it’s a hard time wrapping my head round it. mebbe i’ll tell more later. for now, figure out what to put into the bags. it’s going to be tough.
just finished outside the ordinary world, a book about marriage, infidelity and costs. it was prosaically real, a bit like reading a manual that dryly, frankly lays out the truth about marriage- how marriage really isn’t a climax to the excitement and anticipation, and if anything the excitement and anticipation dies at the birth of marriage. one gets consistency and commitment from marriage, not adrenaline and heightened expectation. to marry for the latter would be to enter into a life of boredom and dissatisfaction. get stabbed and die, romantic fantasies.
– air bubbles rise and demand release; i comply.
– here’s a general principle: sleepy people shouldn’t be made to consider cross generational relationships.
– there was a flybug that got wet against the inner wall of my cup, but after some time, when i looked inside again, it’d dried and flown off.
the (work) year ended yesterday.
most people i’ve told have reacted along congratulary lines; but somehow it’s not just about happiness, or relief even. the year- the last day itself- wasn’t so simple.
a thought strikes me- perhaps yesterday was a fairly accurate composition of the whole year in its multifold layers, demands and complexity/complication. the last all too summarised in the talk i had with my head; an intensity and explanation i could have done without. but it was permitted to materialise; i submit to my highest authority.
admitting failures and slip ups to whom i was accountable, was a rather awful experience. i would rather it not happen again, and will take pains to ensure so.
there. words for experiences i didn’t have for 24 hours; now my insides can stop being clogged, thank you very much.
part of me wants to just sit here and dream away, rest, holiday, things like that but i’ll have to find other ways to recharge.
still, it’s not so bad; naming the experience has been liberating enough: now the rest can flow.
): i was thrashing out why a certain relationship is proving so hard to maintain- on my part, at least, when the computer, or the internet, i don’t know, failed.
sigh. well i don’t know why it is and i don’t know why i do it. i do know, though, that the feeling is i’d rather not be tied to it. but, there is no justification for turning my back and i’m not so sure it isn’t wrong. so i’ll carry on, until something more definite happens.
for now though, it’s weighing upon my heart.
it is wisdom i must pursue, and that given by God. “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”- my anchor in Christ must not move.
i came back here for a place to think. just about no one comes here anymore, according to my stats, so it’s a good place to sit and reflect. here are some thoughts i’ve collected over the months-
1) it’s sometimes blindingly clear that i’ve got my mum’s personality and my dad’s character. and then, like my dad says, i’ve got something all of my own. which, as far as i’m concerned, is a pretty good combination.
2) imagination- learning more fully, that imagination is futile, and unredeemed, little more than meaningless attempts at control. the vanity of it all.
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