today, i got out of bed and fell onto the sofa. soon after, a cup of tea was placed before me. earl gray, gentle and comforting. if it’s too milky, separate it from the water, i was told at the gate. good, you’re still thinking. 

last night, i sat on the edge of the sky and looked at ships, counted fish. the plane from india betrayed me. at the end of the bridge, it felt like goodbye, and that was sad. but i was made to feel better, so it was’t so bad. did you know, that black polka dots with nude don’t go?

i’ve been writing a new story these days, i think. but it’s such a very brand new story, it’s a hard time wrapping my head round it. mebbe i’ll tell more later. for now, figure out what to put into the bags. it’s going to be tough.

just finished outside the ordinary world, a book about marriage, infidelity and costs. it was prosaically real, a bit like reading a manual that dryly, frankly lays out the truth about marriage- how marriage really isn’t a climax to the excitement and anticipation, and if anything the excitement and anticipation dies at the birth of marriage. one gets consistency and commitment from marriage, not adrenaline and heightened expectation. to marry for the latter would be to enter into a life of boredom and dissatisfaction. get stabbed and die, romantic fantasies.

Protected: salvation is

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- i feel like i’ve been swallowing pages whole. or stacks of newspapers. hopefully i wouldn’t have made myself hate the written word after this. =Pp

- air bubbles rise and demand release; i comply.

- here’s a general principle: sleepy people shouldn’t be made to consider cross generational relationships.

- there was a flybug that got wet against the inner wall of my cup, but after some time, when i looked inside again, it’d dried and flown off.

can you spell s-i-g-n-i-f-c-a-n-t

the (work) year ended yesterday.

most people i’ve told have reacted along congratulary lines; but somehow it’s not just about happiness, or relief even. the year- the last day itself- wasn’t so simple.

a thought strikes me- perhaps yesterday was a fairly accurate composition of the whole year in its multifold layers, demands and complexity/complication. the last all too summarised in the talk i had with my head; an intensity and explanation i could have done without. but it was permitted to materialise; i submit to my highest authority.

admitting failures and slip ups to whom i was accountable, was a rather awful experience. i would rather it not happen again, and will take pains to ensure so.

there. words for experiences i didn’t have for 24 hours; now my insides can stop being clogged, thank you very much.

part of me wants to just sit here and dream away, rest, holiday, things like that but i’ll have to find other ways to recharge.
still, it’s not so bad; naming the experience has been liberating enough: now the rest can flow.

fighting for joy

these two weeks have been draining, mentally and emotionally. for further gloom is the reminder that i’m not quite done with day two of second week.

postponement of first round was really quite a blow, considering all things. like i told mary-ruth; it felt like i’d all things stacked together- tight but things were in place- and this news is like a jenga block got removed and everything crashed down. ah:/

if i were to divide each day into three, that means in a week of waking hours i have 3×7 = 21 slots. work = 5, camp prep will take up 3, visting home-bound people = 2, bs = 1, annual meet ups/farewells = 2, churchy stuff = 3-4 -that’s 17 slots and the only reason why it’s not full 21 is because thursday is open and i’m using one slot now. but it’s no point counting because i have to rework everything.

things to do- work, camp stuff, people stuff, visits, prep for 12th. and during camp itself it’ll be more preparing for the 12th. although i don’t know if i’m over preparing. whatever.

okay time to be specific. i want ice cream.

although, to be…

): i was thrashing out why a certain relationship is proving so hard to maintain- on my part, at least, when the computer, or the internet, i don’t know, failed.

sigh. well i don’t know why it is and i don’t know why i do it. i do know, though, that the feeling is i’d rather not be tied to it. but, there is no justification for turning my back and i’m not so sure it isn’t wrong. so i’ll carry on, until something more definite happens.

for now though, it’s weighing upon my heart.

to the beckoning whispers to the altar of intelligence i have this to say-

it is wisdom i must pursue, and that given by God. “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”- my anchor in Christ must not move.

but only with wisdom

information processing overdrive; suddenly sitting up, somehow, sometime, hibernation season ended, somebody’s hungry again.

today, walking home, something struck, like one more layer unwound and it occured to me that i am incredulous- at how much i suppressed, the feeling the lifting of another veil.

perhaps the lala days are over

i came back here for a place to think. just about no one comes here anymore, according to my stats, so it’s a good place to sit and reflect. here are some thoughts i’ve collected over the months-

1) it’s sometimes blindingly clear that i’ve got my mum’s personality and my dad’s character. and then, like my dad says, i’ve got something all of my own. which, as far as i’m concerned, is a pretty good combination.

2) imagination- learning more fully, that imagination is futile, and unredeemed, little more than meaningless attempts at control. the vanity of it all.

3) has it really been six years since those driven days? and six years of growing since. now the winds have shifted; there’s a different smell in the air. i’m flexing my still-wet wings, soon i will fly.

epiphanies of sorts; too long i’ve been looking in, or not looking at all. in time to come i will aim far and i will aim high; false insecurities discarded for the binds they really are. shucks, why did i repress myself for this many years? too many skeletons, i wager.

no holds barred.